I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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