Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
