i love accidental penises.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
