Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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