Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
