I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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