I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
