The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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