Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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