I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
