I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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