why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
