I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
