You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
