i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
