I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
