She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
