We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
