my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
