Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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