Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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