this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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