went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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