Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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