Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
