I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
