god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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