i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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