Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
