Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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