Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
