remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
