god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
