: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
