those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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