my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
