You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
