Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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