Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
