If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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