my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
