My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
