new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
