Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
