I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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