just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
