dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
