Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wish i was in the wii world.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
