I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
