It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
