The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My vagina is very pro this idea
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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